What kind of family do you live in and what is good about this family model?
We are a couple of partnered women and we had a son with the help of a sperm donor from a sperm bank. The nice thing is that both our son and his friends realize through our family model that it is not always a matter of course to have a mom and a dad, but that there can also be other constellations. This makes them more open and tolerant of their lives. Our environment reacted positively (which may also be due to living in a big city).
What was your personal stumbling block?
We underestimated the dynamics that lie in a stepchild adoption. There is a lot of potential for conflict here. The “accepting” mother (in our case Paula) has to submit countless (in)meaningful proofs and documents, which was emotionally perceived by us as burdensome and devaluing. In addition, it was very challenging for Paula to bridge the time until the actual adoption. Paula lived these months (for others, it’s years) in uncertainty about whether the process would really go smoothly. For Paula, feelings of “not being a real mother” or only being a second-class mother arose. This state of limbo had a negative effect on our relationship.
How did you overcome the stumbling block?
Time has healed the wounds here: the adoption fortunately went through without a hitch and after about a good year, the initial problems were largely gone. We are now both on the birth certificate and we have an equal relationship towards our son.