Bernadette Breunig is a project assistant in the Theological Ethics at the University of Salzburg. Together with Professor Walser, she put a scientific burning glass on co-parenting: She conducted a qualitative study.
To many, a friendship seems the more stable basis for starting a family
Ms. Breunig, as a theological ethicist, what moves you to investigate co-parenting?
For me, an important task of theological ethics is that it perceives and reflects the reality of people’s lives. Family and parenthood today is far more diverse and colorful than it is perceived in theological ethics and therefore I found it exciting to take a closer look at an alternative family model with co-parenthood.
What does the Catholic Church say about such an alternative family form?
For the Catholic Church, the moral ideal is still the family created by a married heterosexual couple. Other alternative family forms are measured against this ideal image. In recent years under Pope Francis, there has been an attempt to appreciate more the positive aspects in other family forms, without, of course, abandoning the ideal of the “holy Catholic family.” Ultimately, alternative family forms such as co-parenting or rainbow families are unfortunately still too little recognized and valued by the Catholic Church.
Who did you expect to meet at Familyship for your research?
I was initially curious to see if there were any women or men at all on familyship.org who would be willing to engage in an interview with a Catholic theologian! In view of the negative headlines about the Catholic Church and its handling of plural forms of life, I had my reservations. For those who nevertheless let me interview them, I expected them to have thought through their decisions to co-parent and to be fundamentally open to ethical questions. In addition, I suspected that co-parenting was an option especially for homosexual people who wanted to have children, but this was not confirmed by the interviews …
Were you taken by surprise?
I was surprised by the fact that co-parenting is seen as a way for many heterosexual women and men to realize their desire to have children. In principle, many had the desire to have a child in a partnership, but the right partner was missing. Also – as we also know from sociological research – love relationships are seen by some as rather unstable and the risk of separation, which in turn could be to the detriment of joint children, is considered to be quite high. Da erscheint vielen eine Freundschaft als die stabilere Basis, um eine Familie zu gründen, was mich doch erstaunt hat.
Is there anything that has deterred them or, on the contrary, impressed them?
What I found impressive about some of the interviewees was how reflective and planned they were in their approach to the topic of co-parenting. They were really aware of what it meant to have a child and the responsibility of it. And they clearly agreed on that with the other co-parent.
However, I also had an interview where I had the impression that exactly these considerations were missing and also no discussions and agreements were made with the other co-parent. I found this questionable because open and trusting communication from the very beginning is crucial in order to disclose expectations and thus prevent misunderstandings and conflicts later on. In addition, in this case the interviewee did not actually seek co-parenthood on his own, but as a sperm donor (as such he had already fathered over 30 children) had contacted the future co-mother on familyship.org. At first he had a short love affair with her, but then separated from her after the birth of the child. Even though I don’t know the perspective of the co-mother here, this was a cautionary tale for me because the man may have been after all only looking for a sexual love affair and less interested in providing for a child together.
Can you derive a recommendation for people who want to have children, who are still at the very beginning and are interested in co-parenting?
I can only recommend that you make your own wishes and expectations clear and communicate them clearly. For me, co-parenting also requires very clear agreements on some basic topics such as finances, distribution of tasks or living situation.
Furthermore, I find it central, especially from an ethical perspective, to take enough time to build a trusting and reliable relationship with the other co-parent. Because this friendly relationship is the foundation on which the family stands. And in the years and decades that follow, as the child they share grows up, this friendship must be able to withstand quite a bit of strain and conflict. It’s worth investing a little time and getting to know each other really well!
What was the most significant result of your study?
When I asked about the values on family and parenthood in the interviews, it became clear to me that there is a lot of common ground here with “Catholic” values. The unconditional acceptance and love of the child, reliability, trust, permanence – many co-parents also associate all this with family. In the case of co-parenting, the sociologist Christine Wimbauer notes in her research that parental love, but not romantic love, forms the foundation of the family.
At the same time, it is also thought-provoking that for some, love relationships can no longer provide the reliable and loving framework for a family.
Hand on heart: is co-parenting morally defensible?
Co-parenting is justifiable for me from a moral point of view if some conditions are right. First, co-parents need to be aware of the lifelong responsibility a child brings. Having a child together will always keep you connected to the other co-parent. Second, it requires a trusting relationship with the other co-parent, which must first be established and then continued with child. Third, some basic agreements (division of care work, finances, living situation, parenting style, etc.) should also be made and, if necessary, put in writing. From a legal point of view, co-parenting today is in principle comparable to the situation of unmarried couples with a child. Here it needs a regulation e.g. concerning the common custody as well as with the choice of the surname. It should be noted that a child has the right, which is also guaranteed in children’s rights, to know both parents as far as possible and to be cared for by them. Conversely, this means that ideally both co-parents have custody. Under these conditions, I consider co-parenting to be morally defensible, though not necessarily desirable from a theological-ethical perspective.