I became a Single Mom by Choice in November 2023.
My son is now almost 10 months old and my fertility journey began at the end of December 2022.
About a year before that, I was toying with the idea of becoming a solo mother.
I have been single for about 7 years and nothing has changed in terms of partnership since then.
The rocky road of a single mom by choice (with a happy ending)
For me, a heterosexual partnership is generally difficult to enter into because I had to experience sexual abuse in my family in the past.
I also suffer from vaginismus. I was aware that I was getting older and that my biological clock was ticking. I am now 32 years old and my egg reserve is very low due to operations.
Two unsuccessful inseminations
So in 2022, I set out to realize my strong desire to have children before it was too late. I visited 3 fertility centers that treat single women and had myself advised and examined there. The low egg reserve was diagnosed there and I was advised to start fertility treatment within a year. I was very shocked that my biological clock was slowly running out. I didn’t struggle for long and my first attempt at the fertility center started at the end of 2022. I searched the sperm bank online to find the right sperm donor for me. I chose two different sperm donors. There were then two unsuccessful inseminations.
Doubts arose after the positive pregnancy test
I then switched to IVF with the other donor sperm in 2023. The journey was very exciting and full of ups and downs. Would it even work? Lo and behold, the first IVF was successful. This resulted in my son. When I had the pregnancy test in my hand, which was positive, I fell into a hole for a few weeks. I suddenly got scared. Fear of the future alone with a child. I was helped by conversations with friends who encouraged me and walked the path with me. Everyone in my circle of friends was open to it, my path was never described as a mistake or wrong. I never thought that people would be so open to other paths. I was pleasantly surprised. I was also open about it at work and my colleagues were very happy for me.
In search of surrogate grandparents
I was aware that it would be hard alone with a child, because I don’t even have any family support. I haven’t had any contact with my parents or grandparents for almost 14 years because of the abuse. There are only a few friends in my life who support me. Knowing that “it takes a whole village to raise a child” to give my son a ”family”, I searched the net for surrogate grandparents during my pregnancy.
I found them at the end of my pregnancy. I wanted them to be with us right from the start. They are now like grandma and grandpa to my son. We often do things together or they sometimes look after my son. Otherwise, however, I’m on my own with my child and manage everything on my own. However, the support wasn’t enough for me, so I organized help from the “early help” before the birth.
I wanted to have a contact person for questions about parenting, baby care etc. The ‘early help’ service is free of charge and a family pediatric nurse accompanies me until my son is 3 years old. So she is always the person to contact if I need help. They arrange further help or come to my home to talk to me.
A start fraught with complications
After the birth, I realized that I was dependent on help. Unfortunately, the birth was not without complications. I took a good friend with me who accompanied me. I lost too much blood during the birth and after I was discharged a few days later, I developed a slipped disc. It was so severe that I could hardly walk and had to be driven back to hospital by a friend with my newborn son. I stayed there for a few days. Of course, my son had to go everywhere with me. There is simply no partner who can take over and friends also have to go to work. This is where I really saw the challenge of solo motherhood. You have to organize everything on your own, think everything through and be strong. After I was discharged, I was at home for a few hours when I suddenly started bleeding profusely.
I thought I was going to bleed to death. Fortunately, my neighbors were with me at the time. The ambulance was called and the emergency doctor took me straight to the nearest hospital. My neighbors followed with my son. I had to have an emergency operation that day. It was discovered there that placental remnants had been forgotten and had to be removed, which had caused the bleeding.
Fortunately, my neighbor offered to look after my son that night as he couldn’t stay with me. I was so glad that they were there.
The next day my son was allowed to stay with me as an inpatient and after a week I was discharged. Due to the high blood loss, I was about to have a blood transfusion, I was weak and just ‘worked’. During this time, the family nurse came and organized further help for me. I was given a home help as I was still unable to walk much, let alone run the household, due to the slipped disc. My psyche suffered from all the complications. I imagined the postpartum period differently. I started trauma therapy to work through the traumatic birth experience. After 3 months, I was fine again. Since then, I’ve been able to enjoy my parental leave with my son, the bond has deepened and I wasn’t able to build one at first. I am a mother 24/7 and we are together 24/7, my son and me. There are only a few exceptions, e.g. for medical appointments where I hand my son over to the babysitter I looked for after the birth. Of course, this also takes its toll on my financial situation. Parental allowance is low, I’m currently topping it up with citizen’s allowance and after just over a year I’m going back to work to be able to feed us. My son has a place with a childminder and the initial period after the birth has to be well organized.
There are so many applications to be made: Parental allowance, child benefit, citizen’s allowance depending, housing benefit, child supplement, parental leave, birth certificate etc. As a solo mother, you have to think about everything and rock it alone.
There’s no one to help you or do it for you. Even though I was aware that there was now less money left for two people, I don’t regret taking the step towards solo motherhood in any way.
My child is my everything and sometimes I still don’t realize that I was brave enough to do it. Sometimes it feels like I’m in a dream and then I look at my child and see pure love. No matter what challenges may come, I will continue on this path for my son and me. We have already achieved so much and I realize that you will grow from all the challenges. I have learned to grow from them, to become braver.
Of course, you shouldn’t sugarcoat parenthood. Sometimes I had no idea what it meant to reach your limits with a child until I became a mother myself. It’s not always all good and beautiful. Sometimes it’s just all crying, despairing, not nice. You miss your old life, being alone, your hobbies. There is often both. The good and the sad. And yet the pure joy and love for your own child prevails. That’s what drives you. You are then happy to put things on the back burner. So I can only encourage every woman to go down this path if the desire to have children is very great. There will always be doubts along the way. This step is simply a very big one, a very big responsibility and a big life change. The brain prefers to keep the familiar, which is not scary and provides security. Staying in the comfort zone is safe for the mind, but it prevents us from achieving our goals and realizing our big wishes. I have managed to deal with my doubts and fears and move forward courageously. But I would also like to say that if you want to go it alone, you should definitely build up a good support network with people who can support you in times of need. That is so important. I also had to admit to myself that just because I chose to have a child alone doesn’t mean I shouldn’t accept help. But I can do it too and I can also be at the end of my tether. That’s the nature of parenthood. Whether alone or as a couple, all parents reach their limits at some point. But nobody talks about it and I want to tell people that too. Be brave, go your own way! I am so grateful that I am allowed to be a mother.