Gay desire to have children

Co-Parenting

In co-parenting, a man and woman form a relationship of convenience in order to start a family on a friendly basis. In most cases, the actual conception of the child takes place using the cup method. If there is no one in your circle of acquaintances who is suitable for this family model, interested parties can register on Familyship to find their match for co-parenting.

Who is the family model of co-parenting suitable for?

• For singles who want to have children
• For homosexual couples

Special features of co-parenting
From the outside, co-parenting can be perceived as a classic, heterosexual relationship. This can have advantages and disadvantages that you should be aware of.

Constellations in which a gay couple has a child together with a single woman are also conceivable.
Co-parenting is a lifelong project that requires mutual trust. The co-parents should therefore take plenty of time to get to know each other before conception. During the introductory phase, the legal framework should be clarified (keyword: custody) and shared parenting ideas should be defined. But that’s not all: to avoid unpleasant surprises, you should get to know your partner and all their quirks very well before you start your family project together.

You can find legal information and helpful sample agreements on the following pages (german only)

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Adoption

Adopting a child in Germany is very difficult. One of the reasons for this is that fewer and fewer children are being given up for adoption. In 2017, there were 25 applications for one child. Although joint adoption is possible for homosexual couples following the opening of ‘marriage for all’, it is still more theory than practice.

Foreign adoption quickly comes to mind. After all, this has also worked for Madonna, Brad Pitt and other show stars. Adopting abroad requires a lot of patience. First of all, you need an adoption licence. This is issued by the youth welfare office. You then use the certificate to contact an authorised adoption agency.

As it’s easy to get involved with shady institutions when adopting abroad and the issue of child trafficking becomes acute, you should always critically scrutinise the reliability of the agencies.

Who is adoption suitable for?

• Basically for all people who want to have children and have suitable financial circumstances.
• Homosexual couples have a harder time than heterosexual couples due to the already low number of placements. If a couple is not married, only one of them can adopt.

Special features of (foreign) adoption
The probability of being able to adopt a child in Germany is quite low.
When adopting abroad, on the other hand, you need a lot of patience and should carefully check the seriousness of the institutions involved.

It is possible for both homosexual couples and single people to take in a foster child. For many people, fostering a child is out of the question as they are afraid that the child will be taken away from them later. However, this unpleasant scenario is becoming increasingly rare. A distinction is made between the following types of foster care:

Acute care / standby care
Acute care is intended to bridge the time it takes for the foster child to either return to their biological parents or for foster parents to be found for a permanent fostering relationship. It is often impossible to predict in advance how long one of these two scenarios will last. The only certainty is that there will be a separation from the foster child.

Permanent fostering
The aim of permanent fostering is to permanently integrate the foster child into a family. Under certain circumstances, the foster child may return to their biological parents, but this is rarely the case and only happens in a gradual and accompanying process.

Professional foster carers
Professional foster carers are sought for children who have had particularly terrible experiences. People with training in education or therapy can apply to become professional foster carers. The work is remunerated in the same way as a job.

Who is a foster child suitable for?

• Basically for all people who wish to have children and have suitable financial circumstances

Special features of a foster child
The biological parents of a foster child have the right to visiting hours. It is not uncommon for custody to remain with the biological parents. The foster parents must therefore be prepared to co-operate with the biological parents.

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Surrogacy

Surrogacy can be interesting for gay couples if they do not want to share custody with a woman. In surrogacy, a woman agrees to become pregnant (either with her own egg or with the egg of another woman), to carry the child to term and then to place it in the permanent care of a third party.

Who is surrogate parenthood suitable for?

• For gay couples
• Special features of surrogacy

In Germany, surrogacy is prohibited, as is the placement of surrogate mothers.
Surrogacy in Germany is primarily a criminal offence for doctors. They are not allowed to induce surrogacy. The surrogate mother and the so-called ‘order parents’, on the other hand, are not liable to prosecution. At least not if the following conditions are met (see Section 1 para. 3 no. 2 ESchG and Section 14 b para. 3 AdVermiG):

Put simply, the surrogate mother may not leave the child to someone else with ‘gross neglect of her duty of care or upbringing’. However, if the surrogate mother assumes that it is in the child’s best interests to remain with the ‘buyer parents’, there is no gross neglect of her duty of care. The surrogate mother must assume that the ‘buyer parents’ want to achieve the best for the child and are in a position to do so. The exact procedure depends on whether the child is born from the sperm of one of the men or not.

Surrogate mothers abroad
If the surrogate mother is based abroad, however, things become even more complicated. Here, the interpretations of German courts differ. Numerous judgements have given more weight to the ban on surrogacy than to the welfare of the child. As a result, registry offices in Germany refused to enter the birth of the child in the birth register.
However, the Federal Court of Justice did not follow this view in one of its judgements. In the case decided, however, the surrogate mother in the USA was unmarried, and you can find the details of the decision here: Decision of 10 December 2014 (XII ZB 463/13, BGHZ 203, 350)

Surrogacy is permitted in some states in the USA (e.g. California). There are various placement agencies in the USA in particular. The institutions involved pay dearly for the lower legal hurdles. The costs for the surrogate mother, agency and legal fees are estimated to amount to several tens of thousands of dollars. However, German couples who use the services of such agencies must expect problems with the recognition of their parenthood (see note from the Federal Foreign Office).
When deciding in favour of surrogacy, the couple should evaluate both the ethical aspects and the legal situation.

Further information

• LSVD information portal on surrogacy
• Bundestag: A look at current case law (as of 2016)
• Bundesarbeitsgemeinschaft Landesjugendämter: Empfehlungen zur Adoptionsvermittlung (chapter 6 deals with surrogacy)