Stefanie on co-parenting in a shared flat
Stefanie was registered with Familyship for a long time and now lives with the father of her son in a “co-parenting shared flat”. Here she talks about the process, how their son Felix came to be and the advantages and disadvantages of family life in a shared flat.
I was registered with Familyship for a long time. Previously, I was looking for the “classic” constellation of a romantic relationship and future parenthood, until I realized that this double pressure and the associated expectations were too high. When a friend told me about Familyship, I was looking for a father for my baby. I really wanted a loving, present father because I missed that myself as a child. I’ve written to a lot of men and in 2018 I thought I’d found the right one.
We were pretty much on the same page, but just before we were going to “try”, he met the man of his life and he didn’t want a child. I was pretty frustrated at first, but some time later I met Alex. We agreed pretty quickly, but then took another year to get to know each other.
“It turned out that I couldn’t have gotten pregnant naturally”
My idea was actually that we would keep two separate apartments, but Alex, who has always lived in shared apartments, persuaded me to share a flat. I am now very grateful for this, but more about that later. I was pretty naive about getting pregnant (“You produce the sperm for me, I’ll insert it”) but Alex suggested a fertility clinic in Cyprus. At first I thought it was an exaggeration, but it turned out that I couldn’t have gotten pregnant naturally. We were very well looked after at the clinic in Cyprus and we were able to enjoy a wonderful vacation at the same time. The options that the clinic there used to help me get and stay pregnant are more varied than in the fertility clinics in Germany, and the family constellation is not assessed either.
Back in Germany, after the positive pregnancy test, we looked for an apartment together and found one. Each of us has enough space and freedom, but we also have a shared living room.
We moved in when I was six months pregnant. Unfortunately, we hardly had any time to organize our life together because our little Felix was born two months early. And that really fell on our feet.
“We had talked about vaccinations, but not about whether you should put your used dishes in the dishwasher”
Every time you live together, you suddenly realize how differently you see things and, especially when you’re completely exhausted, things can make you furious. And these were all things that we hadn’t thought about before. We had talked about parenting ideas and vaccinations, but not about whether you put your used dishes in the dishwasher after eating. I really would have preferred to have sorted things like that out before the child arrived. So my recommendation: if you’re thinking about combining co-parenting and shared accommodation, move in together as early as possible! Because apart from that, it’s a great constellation: Felix only has one home and both parents at all times. And we parents can simply divide up the work and childcare. In particular, we have found the perfect way (for us) to divide up the nights without one of us being totally exhausted. I’m currently on parental leave, so I have Felix for the day. In the evening we take turns or are both there. Then I go to bed early. Alex then takes the little one until midnight and brings him to me afterwards. Once a week, each of us has it throughout the night. This division of labor would not be possible in separate apartments.
Felix is now 5 months old and we are already planning a trip to Cyprus to give him a little sister.
Familyship: What do you appreciate about this model?
Felix has two parents who are there for him and we have a division of labor that would not be possible as a single parent.
Familyship: What advice would you give to other people who also want to have children?
Dare! It’s certainly not all easy, but it’s worth it! I can only recommend co-parenting. In the last 5 months, and Felix is an incredibly great, uncomplicated child, I wouldn’t have wanted to be a single parent, although I also have a lot of support from family and friends. A second parent is always more responsible. However, it is also important to discuss as many things as possible beforehand, because it doesn’t get any easier with a baby at home. And I can really recommend the fertility clinic in Cyprus.
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