What kind of family do you live in and what is good about this family model?
One (woman) can arrange the life with the child as she wants. From a previous relationship I already have a child and at the same time also witnessed how crashingly loud and biting the conflicts can become. Shared custody, court battles over contact or child support, constant agreements and written consent for vacation splits, trips abroad, school registration, vaccinations, etc. That can really suck.
As a solo mom, I don’t have that. That is very liberating. I don’t need the second signature, I don’t need consent, I get to live with my child where and how I want and that makes it wonderfully easy in many ways.
What was your personal stumbling block?
Again and again there are also difficulties. If I am busy at work beyond normal daycare hours, I have to organize childcare. Since I do not receive child support, I have to work relatively much. Part-time is financially feasible, but it has to be significantly more than just a half-day job. When I’m tired or stressed or the child is sick and cranky, I can’t just hand him off to my partner and take a breath or go for a walk by myself. I am solely responsible, must be healthy and “functional”. That is sometimes also quite a pressure and an emotional burden.
How did you overcome the stumbling block?
The organizational difficulties can be overcome by a good network of people – friends and a paid nanny who step in when I can’t for work reasons, for example. No one can take away the emotional burden I feel during stressful times. Then the only thing that helps is to tell myself that I wanted this child and that it is good that this child exists. I have chosen this life. These are exhausting years now, but at some point it will get easier again. After all, everything is just a phase.
* Pseudonym, name is known to the editors.