Gianni is the father of a daughter, lives in a co-parenting relationship and is openly gay. He is one of the editors of the book “Regenbogenväter” (Rainbow Fathers), and also runs the Gay Daddy Stammtisch in Berlin.
I would like to see co-parenting become an option in the future
Dear Gianni, how many men meet at your regulars’ table?
In our group there are now 150 fathers or homosexuals who want to become fathers, mainly from Berlin, but also from other German cities. We meet once a month. And regulars’ table, because each time it is a different person who suggests his/her regulars’ table, a pub or a restaurant in his/her Kietz. In the last two years, of course, we have had to adjust, but on average we are about 30 people per regulars’ table.
What are the issues that concern gay men who want to have children?
Usually during our meetings and conversations we talk a lot about current legislation, legal options, custody and the “dangers” of giving up custody. We talk about possible conflicts or problems in co-parenting, about possible constellations, but also about adoption and surrogacy.
How can you tell that someone is a “good candidate” for co-parenting?
Difficult to answer this question. However, I think three qualities are important for co-parenting: being able to listen – being flexible and being reasonable.
What motivated you to start such a regulars’ table?
When I became a father, I realized that I felt very lonely. The issues that concerned me were not the same as, say, my colleagues or friends with children. I felt an urgent need to exchange ideas with people who had had the same experiences as I had, and so I began my search. And it was great to see how many other gay men in Berlin and Germany shared this need.
The book “Rainbow Fathers” is no longer an insider tip for gay men who want to have children. How did you come to think that such a book was necessary?
One of Stammtisch’s fathers has a small publishing house, and one day he asked us if we would be interested in writing a book, recording our experiences and publishing it. I thought it was a wonderful idea to write a “shared story” to share with the world, to tell our fears and mistakes so that the next generation can improve and learn from our successes and mistakes.
What are the main themes in the book?
There are many themes and stories. The book is divided into chapters, one for each stage of shared parenting, but with many stories and interviews with parents who have embarked on the journey of adoption and uterus for hire. From “planning” to getting to know the co-parent to fertilization and birth. Not to be forgotten is the legal and legislative part, to which a separate chapter is devoted.
What are the most important aspects for you personally when it comes to gay men wanting to have children, do you have a “mission”?
Mission may be too big a word, but let’s just say that I would like to see co-parenting become an option in the future. There are many people, men, women, heterosexuals and homosexuals – also in my circle of friends – who suffer from not being able to fulfill their dream of parenthood. And that’s only because they didn’t know about co-parenting and were/are single or gay.
Gianni, thank you very much for the interview.
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